Sometimes I feel like my roommate Charlie's life is a ride plucked straight out of Disney World. At times, it's like the Mad Teacups, those vehicles that spin you around until you reach the point of near-puking. That's how I feel after talking to him a good chunk of the time, which is why I always keep my trash bin handy. The trending topic here is his girlfriend: let's call her Gel (hey, it's actually only one letter off). Gel is out of her mind insane, like insane asylum crazy. She has a complete fixation on Charlie: she's got him wrapped up in her tentacles, and the only way to get him out is to cut them off. I'm not advocating chopping Gel's arms off; rather, I'm talking about the figurative ties that exist between them. Ever tried to strip vines off of a tree? It's like that, only ten times harder. This girl is CLAMPED on. The problem though, is that their relationship is 95% bickering, and 5% sex. How on God's green earth is that in the least bit healthy? Over the past few months, I've noticed that a lot of their conversations are recycled, almost like the two of them are living a real life Groundhog Day. Here's some examples of the beautiful prose the two exchange on a day-to-day basis:
Charlie: "If you ever look at/think about/think about thinking about [insert male's name here] ever again, we're done/I'm done/I'm never talking to you again." Hmm, possessive much?
Gel: "Fuck you. I hate you. We're not even dating. No, don't hang up I love you and I'm pregnant! No, just kidding. Hey, it was a joke! No, we're not even dating anymore, I'm serious this was the last straw. Maybe I'll call up [insert male's name here] and invite him over!"
If I were them, I'd wanna spice things up a bit. Maybe designate certain days (relationship holidays?) to talk about specific topics. I don't know, maybe spend one day talking entirely like pirates. They already have dirty enough mouths and minds.
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