Charlie's Mad Tea Party

Sometimes I feel like my roommate Charlie's life is a ride plucked straight out of Disney World. At times, it's like the Mad Teacups, those vehicles that spin you around until you reach the point of near-puking. That's how I feel after talking to him a good chunk of the time, which is why I always keep my trash bin handy. The trending topic here is his girlfriend: let's call her Gel (hey, it's actually only one letter off). Gel is out of her mind insane, like insane asylum crazy. She has a complete fixation on Charlie: she's got him wrapped up in her tentacles, and the only way to get him out is to cut them off. I'm not advocating chopping Gel's arms off; rather, I'm talking about the figurative ties that exist between them. Ever tried to strip vines off of a tree? It's like that, only ten times harder. This girl is CLAMPED on. The problem though, is that their relationship is 95% bickering, and 5% sex. How on God's green earth is that in the least bit healthy? Over the past few months, I've noticed that a lot of their conversations are recycled, almost like the two of them are living a real life Groundhog Day. Here's some examples of the beautiful prose the two exchange on a day-to-day basis:
Charlie: "If you ever look at/think about/think about thinking about [insert male's name here] ever again, we're done/I'm done/I'm never talking to you again." Hmm, possessive much?
Gel: "Fuck you. I hate you. We're not even dating. No, don't hang up I love you and I'm pregnant! No, just kidding. Hey, it was a joke! No, we're not even dating anymore, I'm serious this was the last straw. Maybe I'll call up [insert male's name here] and invite him over!"
If I were them, I'd wanna spice things up a bit. Maybe designate certain days (relationship holidays?) to talk about specific topics. I don't know, maybe spend one day talking entirely like pirates. They already have dirty enough mouths and minds.

My Roommate, Oscar the Grouch

When one looks up the term "Grouch" on Muppet Wiki (oh yes, there is such a thing), one will find that "grouches are an eccentric race of pessimistic, argumentative, unhygenic furry creatures who prefer to live wherever there is garbage: trash cans, city dumps, even the occasional landfill." I had absolutely no idea that I was living with a member of this previously mythical,TV-land tribe! Let's run through that definition and compare Charlie and Grouches side by side:
1)Pessimistic. Oh, how that doesn't even begin to cover things. Daily, I get the "I just can't do it anymore" speech, and sometimes, when Charlie gets his drink on, I get the nightime weepies about how awful his life is. I don't think even The Count could rattle off how many times a day I hear frustrated sighs and grunts coming from the other side of the room.
2)Argumentative. Now, when you think of a good, dynamic Muppet team, you think Bert and Ernie. Imagine if Bert had been cloned, and said clone was his roommate in college. How do you think they would get along? I have no problems with being an assertive guy. I'm a New Yorker, it's in my blood. But I thought those MidWesterners were supposed to be kind and friendly. I swear, it's like I'm living with Donald Duck. The muttered complaints and muffled remarks remind me of the blubbering, stuttering of the great Disney Duck.
3)Unhygenic. That's putting it super lightly. He's the Pigpen to my Linus. He doesn't mind leaving some throw up on the floor, because the maid (read: me) will take care of it in the morning. Little did I know, I have my mom's Martha Stewart like obsession with things being clean. I was so used to it at home, that it floored me the first time I found a condom (not used or anything! His girlfriend doesn't even go here!) under my bed. "What would Mom do?" I found myself thinking as I Fabrezed the bejesus out of the floor. And the stench! No, he doesn't ever do laundry. Ever. And guess what that means? It means that rotting pile of laundry develops an infuriating stench. Gross. I can only spend so much money on AirWick products before I go broke.
As for furry? Does it count if he never shaves?

Hopefully in the near future, Charlie the Grouch will go the way of the Cookie Monster when they swapped in the "Veggie Monster." Only this time, I'm hoping for Grover.

Do I even have a last nerve anymore?

The reason I ask that question is because it's been tweaked so many times over the past few months. Here's the latest transgression. My roommate talks on the phone (or videochats) his girlfriend basically every waking minute of the day. Towards the beginning it didn't so much bother me, but now I find myself cringing every time I hear him say "Hello" or "No, you text ME." How about you both pick a time and text each other so I don't have to hear you have the same conversation every half an hour? Perhaps an alternating system, so you'd have an equal share of the texting. Would it be that difficult? Hell, I'll even make up the timetable for you.

It's gotten to the point where I find myself wondering "What could possibly be left for these two dimwits to talk about?" Here's what I've come up with:
1)Zoo animals
2)Staplers
3)Intelligent movies (no, Charlie, G.I. Joe doesn't count)
4)Anything pertaining to schoolwork (it's like the institution doesn't exist for either of them)

Can you think of any other obscure things for them to talk about? I'm thinking as a Christmas present, I'll make a list of talking points for them. Oh, and I'll also invest in a new pair of earplugs.